Two thousand, five hundred and sixty days. 7 years today.
2,560 days is the prophetic space of time in the Bible for the "great tribulation". For me, it has felt like an eternity as I have felt the sting of every single one of those days.
That is how long it has been since I last saw my two oldest children- Melissa and Bobby. The youngest, Megan, cut off contact about 6 months later.
I grieve for what they have endured and the bad counsel they have received from evil people that has led them to believe that the way to heal from the war is to shoot your own wounded. I grieve for the happiness that could have been if they had not decided that vengeance is more important.
My conscience is clear. I am guilty of nothing in causing this estrangement. Fighting to try and hold my family together was the right thing to do even though, obviously, I was unsuccessful.
Lashing out in hurt and frustration at their prolonged intransigence was regrettable but certainly not unforgivable.
Demanding that I leave their mother or else was something they had no right to do. Demanding that I succumb to the same poison the secular counselors filled them with was totally unreasonable. Punishing me for eternity for trying to do the right things is heartless and cruel and evil.
These 3 have obviously suffered but I did my best to try and support them and alleviate that suffering. My 3 kids told me themselves, that they never doubted that I loved them. This is how they repay that love? Years and years of merciless unforgiveness and cruelty? Why are you punishing me for the crimes of others?
The hatred they have for their mother and grandmother and myself grieves me, but I am absolutely powerless to do anything about it. I will not allow hatred to ruin my soul. I will not allow vengeance to consume me.
Their mother is obviously a person I will never talk to again in this life but I cannot bring myself to hate her. She was the mother of my children and at one point we deeply loved each other.
I hate what she has done and I hate what she has become but I also hate myself sometimes. In the end, I committed the awful crime of believing that all aboard the good ship Benko were worth saving. I could never accept the concept of destroying some to save others. The idea of anyone in this family not making it to heaven is difficult to bear.
I am willing to make only 1 exception. I am willing to be immolated myself, if it will save you. If that's what it takes. Certainly, that is not my hope but it is the only way I can make sense of this horrible situation in the context of my faith. Perhaps, through my enduring of this cross, He will save all of us.
If by chance you see this, know that you are in my heart not just every day but every minute of every day, even in my dreams. I suffer nightmares and shakes at night. I often have insomnia. I suffer extreme anxiety and grief during the days.
As often as I am able to, I offer my pains to God for you. Sometimes the pains break me if by chance I stumble upon a photo or something. This weekend has been one of those collapses.
Every single day, I relive every word I wish I could take back and I die again over every hurt you suffered, especially those that were my fault or that I might have stopped if I had just known what to do and when to do it. Every single day is a new death, a new hell. If you still believe the best course of action is alienation and revenge, there isn't much I can do to persuade you. If you still believe there is no God, I'd like you to explain how I am still standing.
It certainly isn't under my own power.
As much as you deny God, is really how angry you are at Him. I understand that anger and once in a while I succumb to it. It is easy to fall in the trap of believing that He abandoned you- abandoned us. He is the reason you are surviving, thriving. Living your dreams as family persons is all I ever hoped for you. You may take comfort in believing that my prayers for you are no part of your success. I know better. God is good and I'm trying to be and I know He hears my prayers on your behalf.
However, know that a hole still remains within you that only He can fill. Know also that I will always be cheering you on even if from afar.
I will remain out here in the cold as long as I have to. I will not exhaust any more effort trying to pry open the doors you have heartlessly nailed shut.
However, if you are at least willing to talk about what reconciliation would look like, you know how to reach me.
I believe It's time. Healing needs to happen for me, for you, for the grandkids. I feel that untying all the knots may be impossible but it's never impossible to forgive and more forward. I'm willing to apologize and forgive without any conditions. I'm still not willing to accept that this scorched-earth destruction of our entire family was the right thing to do. I'm still not willing to accept the counsel of strangers who believe that cutting people out of your life is the first path to healing.
The damage is huge. I can see that. I can also see that my perception was wrong on many things and that my inability to properly deal with stress and anxiety caused you suffering. The tears I have cried over that grief cannot be counted nor can the hours spent staring into space wondering what to do.
It has been 2,560 days. We cannot get a single one of them back.
I do not know what a relationship with you would even look like now but I'm willing to try if you are. I am 60 years old now. There isn't a lot of time left. The ball is in your court.
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